A Taste Of Happiness
by MoonyAddict
Summary: “You keep talking about age, poverty, and danger… But you’ve never said we can’t do this because you don’t want me… Say you don’t love me, Remus, and I’ll leave you alone. Forever.” [RemusTonks, songfic based on By Your Side by Tokio Hotel]


_No one knows how you feel  
No one there you'd like to see  
The day was dark and full of pain_

This is the day we all feel lost and scared, the day that seems to bode the end of everything. Dumbledore's gone, and our strongest hopes with him. We're all orphans, today, but not alone.

I know I can't demand you let me in, because your heart is a fortress and I have well learned that you need to be tough to survive. I understand.

Your life has always been an endless struggle between you and the rest of the world and, Remus, don't you think I don't understand how hard it is for you to face another loss.

Your path is marked by crosses, I nearly can see them all, white and lonely all along the way. I see how much pain they've caused to you.

_You write "help"  
With your own blood  
'Cause hope is all you've got  
You open up your eyes  
But nothing's changed_

You're standing here in the cold, under a faint moonlight that will never be as pale as you. All your scars are sore, I can feel it, I can read it in the way your eyes are transfixed on that milky globe shining up there. Your curse suddenly feels nothing compared to what you've felt today, doesn't it?

If only you let me help you bear it all, Remus…

I take one step toward you. I make no noise, but you freeze for one moment only, and you sense it's me, even if you can't see me. I just know you do.

"Go back inside, Tonks," you whisper, and there's a melancholic vibe to you tone that crushes me. "It's cold out here."

I know you want to be left alone, but you need to understand that seclusion is not the only way through this.

"It wouldn't be so cold if you weren't standing there alone."

_I don't want to cause you trouble  
Don't want to stay too long  
I just came here to say to you  
Turn around  
I am here  
If you want it's me you'll see  
Doesn't count  
Far or near  
I can hold you  
When you reach for me_

You turn to look at me. There's your trademark blue smile on your face. You look tired and miserable, and I wonder what you're hiding behind that sweet mask you never drop.

You don't want me here, but I'm not leaving you.

Too many have forsaken you. It's time somebody shows you, you've got a right to be saved.

_Your life is meaningless  
Your diary full of trash  
It's so hard to get along_

You stand still as I approach you; the night is silent, the stars shine feebly overhead of us, waking on our souls like distant protectors.

"Go away." You say again, barely audibly, and I wonder if you know how easily it is for you to break my heart. "Please."

"I'm not going anywhere." I state firmly, standing just inches behind you. You do not turn round.

"There's nothing to say, Tonks."

_With empty hands_

I swallow back the urge to let go of these tears collecting into my eyes and place my hands on your back, leaning my forehead against you.

"Then don't say anything."

My arms slide around your waist and I hold you tight to me, my face buried in your back.

It feels so good, Remus…

_You're looking for the rainbow  
But it died not long ago  
It tried to shine just for you  
Until the end_

We could stay here forever, we could die here, and I wouldn't care. As long as you let me be here with you, I won't care about anything.

"Why me?" you ask after a while, your eyes still fixed on the moon. There's no curiosity in your question, but rather hurting disbelief. Do you really find it so hard to believe I love _you_?

I clutch my fingers at your shirt while brushing my cheek on its rough fabric. It smells beautifully – painfully – of you.

"Because since you've been into my life, there's nobody else."

"I've got nothing to offer you, Tonks."

I squeeze my eyes stubbornly and shake my head no. I can't open your eyes if you refuse to see.

"You've got the biggest heart in the world, Remus," I reply quietly. "It's all I ever wanted."

_I don't want to cause you trouble  
Don't want to stay too long  
I just came here to say to you  
I'm by your side  
Just for a little while  
Turn around  
I am here  
If you want it's me you'll see  
Doesn't count  
Far or near  
I can hold you  
When you reach for me_

You lay your hands on mine, make me release you. It hurts.

You turn to face me, your pained expression scares me. How longer are you going to run from me and hide away from what I feel for you?

I love you, Remus, but I wonder if you care.

_If the world makes you confused  
And your senses you seem to lose  
If the storm doesn't wanna diffuse  
And you just don't know what to do  
Look around  
I am here_

I am stubborn, I know, as well as I know you wouldn't want me to hug you again, but I do, because I'm a little spoiled girl who just wants to get what she demands.

I'm demanding you, Remus.

_Doesn't count  
Far or near  
I'm by your side  
Just for a little while_

"Tonks…" Your placid tone nearly gets on my nerves. "Go back inside, please… Don't make this any harder."

I don't want to listen to you. You can't always dismiss me with the usual werewolf lecture, not this time. I won't let you push me away, now you need more than ever.

I demand you let me love you.

_Turn around  
Turn around  
I am here  
Turn around_

Copious tears of frustration are fighting to leave my eyes, but I'm stronger than you think, and I'm not giving in.

"You keep talking about age, poverty, and danger… But you've never said we can't do this because you don't want me."

I feel you stiffen within my embrace, and I know it's a raw nerve I've just touched. Despite your constant rejection, I know you care for me.

"Say you don't love me, Remus, and I'll leave you alone. Forever."

_Doesn't count  
Far or near  
Turn around  
If you want it's me you'll see  
Turn around_

And so you finally turn around to me, still enveloped in my arms. I can't seem to be able to let you go, because I'm afraid that if I just loosen my grip you'll slip away, like you always do.

I find this light in your eyes, this sparkle of life that makes them so unmistakably yours. Now like never I feel you're all I need to carry on, you're all it takes to keep me alive.

You study my face, cupping it between your hands, slightly rough but so warm. You stare into my eyes like I always imagined you would stare at the moon: as if I am the most beautiful and frightening thing you've ever seen.

Your thumbs stroke my cold cheekbones, and I know you're thinking how girlish these tears I'm trying to hold back look.

"Why is it so hard for you to forget of me?"

Like a cruel slap, your words shove across my face. I am hurt, and offended, and furious, and angry at you for not wanting to accept this isn't something I can forget. I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

"This is not a stupid girl crush, Remus!" I yell, seizing you by your robe and shaking you as the tears crawl silently down to my neck. "_I love you_, and nothing – _nothing!_ – is going to change this, why don't you want to accept it? It's got nothing to do with infatuation, it's not just a whim! We both might die in this war, and if we do, we'll both be gone without knowing what happiness tastes like, and you know – you know better than me, Remus! – that we'd be _truly_ happy together!"

And now it is your turn to be slapped by my words. I'm right, you're well aware of this. I've been all along.

"And you wanna know what's going to happen if we survive?" I continue, now more gentle, and set my hands upon yours, biting my lower lip to keep my jaw from shaking. "We'll be together in the new world, just you and me and all the good things we could have." I sniffle, smiling faintly behind the crying. "We can be alone and unhappy until our dying day, or we can walk the path hand in hand, and shoulder whatever will come together." I'm panting for all the shouting and raging; you look imperturbable. "I made my choice a long time ago, now it's only up to you."

_I can hold you when you reach for me  
Turn around  
I am here  
Doesn't count  
Far or near_

To my utter surprise, your lips curl up into the sweetest of your smiles. You melt me. Then suddenly you shift your arms around me and pull me tightly close to you, a hand on my head and one on my back. I feel every inch of your body against mine, and it feels just heavenly.

"Thank you, Tonks." You whisper through my hair, your lips pressed onto it as you hold me and rock me as tenderly as I had only dreamed before.

"Thank you for what?"

You pull away only enough to gaze into my eyes through the darkness, and this smile you're wearing is better than anything you could ever say.

"For being you," you answer softly, and place a kiss on my temple. "And for loving the most undeserving man in this world."

I won't reply, because there's a silent promise in your words, and I've learned to read between your lines, by now. You've left me lingering on the threshold for months, and we've both suffered, but now you're letting me in, I know it was all worth it

I've been given so much in this tragic and yet so wonderful night. I've always been here for you, I was just waiting for you to take my hand. I can't believe you did it, at last.

_I'm by your side  
Just for a little while_

And now, Remus, all that matters to me is your lips skimming mine in this first, long-craved kiss we are sharing, because even if we'll die tomorrow, at least now we got a real taste of it; now we know what happiness tastes like, and we'll fight more bravely to get to keep savouring it the longest we can.

_  
We'll make it if we try_


End file.
